Being emotionally unavailable is not a conscious choice, most of my clients desperately want to connect with friends, family and lovers in a long term consistency loving way. It is the most interesting phenomenon that most reject what they seek ultimately feeling smothered.
Fear and unhealthy coping mechanisms become the barrier for emotionally unavailable (EU) person to sustain a deep long term connection.
When a relationship ends for most people it is a time for deep reflection and a self growth opportunity. EU’s quickly react and blame others in relationships without reflecting how their behaviors have impacted or played a role in the demise of the relationship.
A relationship with EU man or woman starts off fast and furious! You might think you met your soulmate or just fell head over heels in love. EU’s quickly enter the sexual phase to bypass the discomfort of slowly opening up and building intimacy.
An emotionally unavailable person can be a man or woman. It’s tricky to notice the signs if you haven’t experienced a relationship with someone EU.
A person that is emotionally unavailable has a well developed false public mask. This is a learned coping mechanism to cover feelings of inadequacy. EU’s experience a “high” from the chase and seduction phase which allows them to experience a feeling of love.
They use flirting with flattery to strengthen a connection. Beware of one liners like “this is deepest and strongest love connection; I’ve ever felt.” Most EU’s thrive on short term intimacy with and lure with vulnerability or disclosure of painful childhoods.
The EU person may desire a long term healthy relationship and ask for this level of commitment. However, they are incapable of sustaining or exchanging a consistently loving connection. A flow of energy based in appreciation and gratitude for one another is a necessary attitude for a healthy partnership.
I didn’t know the red flags or realize that I was dating someone EU until one day they seemed smothered or annoyed by my consistently warm and loving nature.
EU’s lack the ability to reciprocate loving feelings on a daily, long term basis which is necessary to sustain intimacy. Most EU’s blame and criticizing others for their own short-coming. The intensively loving EU partner is now cold and unaffectionate.
Don’t be surprised in the beginning to receive loving texts with kissy emojis but rarely speak on the phone. They withhold being emotionally available to the relationship when it involves a deeper level of emotionally intimacy required for phone calls or outside of the bedroom.
Many EU’s have a history of short term failed relationships. Social media is the best early detection tool to spot red flags. I had discovered that my EU partner had wrote “love confession” posts for every prior romantic relationship.
Each contained similar language using flattery and compliments talking about their amazing smile and described a life changing love connection.
How could someone that was “so deeply in love and connected” that was planning long term relationships with more than two people within a few years suddenly be back on the market over and over again?
These relationships become emotionally abusive for another person involved when someone EU behaves inconsistent with words and emotions and then uses distancing tactics to push and pull. It begins to feel like a love/hate relationship. I’ve learned that the degree of emotionally unavailability varies and many of these behaviors described fall into the most serious case of EU, the borderline personality.
Being EU is not a life sentence unless the ability to empathize is gone and there is no desire to change.
How could this relationship pattern not slip into EU person’s awareness at some point?
Distancing tactics are used to destroy any feeling of genuine love regardless of the EU partners social status, ability to give love or level of commitment.
What is most tragic about these relationships is the depth and complexity of self sabotage. Someone EU will often demonize a loving and kind partner because they don’t feel lovable or worthy of a long term healthy relationship.
Be prepared to get pulled in and pushed away until you begin to experience chest pains, stomach knots and headaches. It is their own brand of abusiveness towards others.
What is most painful about these relationships is witnessing the abandonment of the relationship emotionally and physically. There is nothing worse than feeling invisible as they take the relationship for granted and it fades away.
Not to mention the massive confusion. After a long day of loving text exchanges, suddenly the EU person behaves cold and unaffectionate in person. They can’t “show up” in person, the intimacy and vulnerability of emotions shuts them down.
This poisonous dynamic will make you question everything including if they might be cheating. It is normal to think “if they are not connecting emotionally or sexually with me then maybe they’re doing this with someone else.” Any attempts to discuss insecurities that manifest from their latest distancing cycle will cause the door to slam shut harder.
It makes no sense how they can profess undying love, then suddenly – you’re alone and abandoned.
The best ingredient that allows EU people to continue this pattern is co-dependency.
My people pleasing traits and loving nature was quite accommodating for this type of emotional abuse.
A feeling of desperation manifests trying to get this person to return to the loving, caring partner they were in the beginning.
If they feel pressure “to be someone different” and begin to show resentment, its a major warning sign.
If this request is met with resistance; the relationship is doomed. This person is not ready for change and doesn’t care that their behavior is causing major harm. If you choose to stay, safe guard your heart, you’ll probably get dumped soon.
Why? Because the more you love them, the less they love you.
After the breakup, any attempt to initiate dialogue about their swift exit and how you have been abruptly discarded is avoided. This kind of unfinished business is haunting and they will try to make it anyone’s fault but their own.
We can’t fix the untreated emotionally unavailable person. They need therapeutic help or they will continue to “fall in love” over and over again, each time with a false belief that patterns won’t repeat because they met the “real” love of their life.
Many EU’s lack accountability for hurtful behavior, which perpetuates this “savior” theory that a new “stronger” love connection is what they need to stop shutting down emotionally and/or sexually.
For many people these relationships cause tremendous suffering, harm and trauma.
Do you deserve a consistent loving relationship?
We can choose to stay in relationship with someone EU, stopping any attempts to fix the disconnection but at what sacrifice? A relationship that nourishes the mind and spirit is rooted in peace, security, trust and joy in the flow of love between two human beings.
Instead of focusing on how to get love out of this person, we must learn how to give love to ourselves.
Maybe these people have the capacity to normalize this behavior but it is hurtful and toxic crazy making that will cause serious damage to most people’s mental health.
It’s normal for most people to have a couple of bad days but EU’ check out for weeks. Requesting reciprocation, affection and emotional intimacy are the requirements for a long term healthy loving relationship.
When EU fears take over they will pick fights, sabotage, deny, avoid and create distance. This is emotional abuse and a strong independent person will immediately exit this toxic relationship. If this is difficult then consider you are in an addictive cycle of push and pull and might need therapeutic help to break free.
It takes consistent bonding on emotional, spiritual, physical and intellectual levels to build blocks of healthy love and to water the roots of love. Emotional availability is the capacity to be present and caring about each others feelings.
Authentic, genuine love is secure and feels safe.
When a relationship is rooted in honesty and receptivity a mutual reciprocation of love develops. A natural progression of trust and appreciation builds. This relationship can nourish your life instead of depleting it. Choose a partner that embraces an attitude of gratitude and appreciation towards love and connection. Be with someone that aligns words with actions and doesn’t brush off promises and commitments. It begins with a belief that you deserve to be with a person that celebrates you not tolerates you.
Whether you are EU or involved with someone EU – I can help.